Overheard in the Office

He tells it like it is.

“I’m doing better than everyone else at life, and I know it upsets people, but that’s just the way it is. I’m great.”

You are why the world is broken.

“The thing about Libya is that nothing good comes from that region of the world. They don’t do anything good. Let’s just kill them all, take the oil, and be done with it.”

This was his sales pitch.

“I’m flexible. Let me tell you about a client I had. She told me she didn’t want to pay the $2,000 retainer fee. She only wanted to pay me $1,800, so I said fine. I’m not going to argue with her. Who cares about the $200. The funny thing about the story, that’s actually not funny at all, is that she was murdered a month later. And to this day they’ve never found her killer…. So, life is weird sometimes!”

Ya think?

“I’ll tell him to go fuck himself. And he’ll become offended by that.”

You’re a special butterfly.

“I do what I do, and I do it better than anybody.”

…

A: How are you?

B: TERRIBLE! Nothing’s wrong, but I’m terrible.

A: …

>drops dead<

“I’m really obnoxious sometimes.”

One of these things is not like the other.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, then I’m gonna go to lunch, then I’m gonna come back.”

What does that mean?

“On a scale of 1 to 10, who cares.”

I can’t wait.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be in tomorrow. I promise.”